Published November 7, 2007
It blows,
Like a stream of water,
down a valley.
Catching my hair,
Whenever it flows.
Where it stops,
I'll never know.
Back to were it came from,
A hillside, cavern, or mountain deep?
Or some otherwhere?
As it flows,
wherever it goes,
None shall know.
but it shal always be there,
Waiting to take me with.
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140,196 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
through a lot of the poetry handbooks and stuff I have read, something that is often repeated is "avoid cliches" I agree with this to a point. I think using one such as "wherever it goes, None shall know" is a good point, but can be delivered in a different way, such as "I know not where she went, for she left me not a hint"...not the best example, but, don't avoid them, just use them differently.
Otherwise, it was a good poem, and would still be a good poem I enjoyed it.
-bobiscool134
Good job, Fl.
It's pretty good! Except I agree that you could have used some more desciptive words. But overall, really good!
-zappy77
i would increase the first stanza, add more detail so the reader can really get a feel for the cool wind streaming through their hair. you want the reader to shiver when reading this because they think they can really feel the cold wind on his/her neck and back.
also "where it stops, ill never know" sounds too plain, like those playground rhymes 'around and around it goes, where it stops nobody knows' remember that one? anyway, i like this, but you can make it much stronger.
Well I don't like the choice of word in the first line; I think that you could fine a word that is a lot more poetic than "Blows". Hmm, maybe glides? Billows?
I like the structure, it seems pretty neat and helps a lot with the flow and how the reader will in fact, read it. I liked the flow because it gave the effect of swooping up and down; perhaps like the breeze that is being described?
Good foundations here, just needs a little twitching with. Such as, I think you could maybe vary your punctuation a little, just to give it those dramatically poetic pauses so that the reader finds the poem more captivating.